MAKING THE SAME MISTAKES AGAIN

When someone gives you the scope to commit a mistake by saying.. “LEARN FROM IT”… that’s the greatest thing right! You can afford to make a mistake saying that you are on the metaphorical learning curve. In relationships though, its not a good idea to learn from your mistakes.

You see yourself becoming an absolute arse in a relation.. you get messed up at the drop of a hat, & become inexplicably somber, sad & unhappy when he says he cant call you tonight coz he has work…, eventually when you break up (for different reasons obviously), you tell yourself.. ok Gulabo, you wont let anyone do that to you again. Henceforth you will be a stronger person. You will be the one saying you are busy tonight, make him feisty waiting for that in-between-work SMS, or a 30 sec call saying he was sorry for forgetting to wish you luck for the exam, or listen to you about how much hate XYZ for being a manipulative bitch… “what did she do to you now… aww.. its ok.. she is just jealous”.. stuff that you got used to soo bad. You promise yourself not to be a slave of habit… or to let him take advantage of your dependency on him.

Then you promise yourself not be bothered & write elaborate blogs about your side of the story, coz you cant say it (not expressive enough,.. that’s gulabo for you). You also promise yourself not to expect too much from the relationship, coz mentally you are telling yourself that he will go away like everyone else. You resolve to never tell him to do anything, or to nag, or to make decisions for him… coz he hated that & you don’t what the next one to do the same to you. You make this elaborate list of to-do’s, and right & not-politically correct list…

Despite all the efforts, all the resolutions and all the “learnt from mistakes thingies… you end up hurting… more intensely each time. Wonder whether its me or the way I am when in relationships… SUCKS.

been a while now...

Writing a blog is the last thing a person should be doing when someones entangled in the nuances of PhD applications, but a strange thought crossed my mind very recently... Im making another "new beginning"... in a perfect world that, should be exciting right? with all this brouhaha and cliched expressions such as "starting life all over again" or "beginning of a new phase".. blah & blah...

I just wonder.. how many "new beginnings" have I had this far? There were so many instances where I discovered I had a chance to start afresh... when I relocated to the U.S., when I broke up with blue blossom, when I gave up my on my old roomies & shifted to a new place. Strangely, a trend with these new beginnings are that they are preceded in chronology with sad endings & parting sorrow.... and somehow these things worked in my favor (till now.. touchwood...!).

The anxiety & uncertainty associated with the noveau vie has been something constant. I give waaay too much weightage to this phenomenon. I mean.. come to terms with it gal.. it is periodic... It keeps coming once every.. umm.. time span, so why elevate it to a pedestal and praise and worship thy occurance. Its no big deal right.. just like it came & saw & left! just like the endings.
so well take home message (and in case you are reading it at home.. the keep home message) is.. EMBRACE THE NEW BEGINNINGS.. THEY ARE NOT SO DREADFUL, AND THEY KEEP COMING! .. once every time span!

of forgetting & forgiving...

What does it really mean to let go... Does it mean forgetting their memories or forgiving the hurt they caused?
I was watching "socha na tha" yesterday... with my new friends. Actually... lets call them my friends, because that's who they are. period. There is a shift in perspective when you do the same things with different people. You get newer experiences, feelings,, jokes, round of laughter (in case it is applicable!).
Life has been a weird roller coaster in the past couple of months. It started with a "breakup"... full of anguish, pain & suffering, then moved to a terrible time at work... again stressful & pathetic.. & then came to the entry of new people in my life. I dont really want to use the term "new" here again. I feel like I knew these people from a long long time. I feel like I belong. I couldn't lie to my folks about things before, I felt its not worth it.. but now I do. I wanna go to new places, and tell my folks Im asleep. I get the urge to meet friends once in every 3 hours, call them, listen to them, ask them how their day went, laugh have fun, freak out all that! It is the excitement of beginning something. A fresh start, like a blank document, that's beckoning!

Its really strange how good things can nullify pain & suffering. I guess that answeres the question I had... happiness makes you forget the hurt and forgive the memories.

A FRIEND...

they say that Love hurts, but friendship heals...
Despite having the fear of jinxing myself.. I can say that I found one!
It completely changes your world for the better... No matter what or how the situation is. Maybe not by talking about it.. like I harped in my last post... but by talking about other things.
When I left India, I had a plethora of close "bff's"; my life, my laughter, my worries, my entire being was centered around them. It was indeed strange to leave them & think about making a new set now... I had promised myself.. well they are all I have, & I will not insult their memory by getting a new lot! I guess friendship is like love.. you dont go out to look for it.. it finds you.
I pray to god every night... I pray so that he dosn't take this away from me... I hope against hope at times that they will be like this... I really pray!
I do consider this cynicism somewhat uncalled for... it is in my hands, whether I can maintain something or mess it up completely, but then again.. thats what happened in my past relation as well right? not that I had any control over the way things were!!
But then again.. looking back.. whatever happens, happens for the best. I lost someone, but I found friends... it is a fair deal! I just pray that I dont lose these... I cant survive another round of suffering!

Hmmm...
Sometimes,I need something real bad... something thats more important than deserts and chocolates.
A CRIB OUTLET!
Okay.. face it. I love cribbing. Since I have been here I never go a chance to do that!!
Here everyone "leaves you by yourself" and lets you be. They give you SPACE! I dont want space.. I wanna talk. The reason why I was with my ex was because he was a good listener & its pretty much the reason why i will be with the next one as well! :)
Why doesn't anyone pay attention in this country. I listen to your problems & tell you mine. Its a fair deal. I will not judge, or will not even advice if you dont want me to... I expect the same too. Why is it that no one wants to talk. Okay.. lets not talk about problems. lets just discuss the weather... like how it is now, good or bad... how can it get worse, or better, as the case may be.. stuff like that!
I wonder when I will find a friend, good enough to tell stuff to & interesting enoough to listen about things as well... Hope against hope & waiting!

Musing of the unknown kind!

So it all starts with a phone call. he calls you in between work.. and acts all smug and sweet. You feel grand and the smugness becomes contagious.

then comes the wake up call. "I was thinking..." you know what they mean when they say that. In blue blossom, it translates to.. 

 " hey, i put my brain aside & was completely jobless. so I dug up a guys grave, just to check what tie he wore at his funeral... & guess what..  it was muddy brown"

I mean.. what is it with men & musing..??? For starters, they dont "muse" when the occasion calls for it,  and when they do.. its always about things you never wanna talk about!

so well.. blue blossom was "thinking.." 

"well, you say that I never gift you anything, right? But i do.. I mean, dont you remember me getting you a gift when you asked me the 100th time?"

"oh. yea.."(with a tone of vivid recollection), "you gifted me an MP3 player, the one that yor parents gave you. The same one that consumes so much battery that it costs you 10 bucks everytime you heard a song?

yea, yea.. i remember" (ok, who said I was an easy girlfriend.. stand up & take that back!)

"nO, im not talking about that one. I am talking about the best book in history... "the Double helix". You know it was really important to me. After all, my parents gave me that book, at a very important occasion of my life"

"ooo yea.. that one.. of course sweety, I remember that, but you gave it to me as a parting gift, before leaving. Couldnt carry it all the way beacuse my bags were full & there was no space. The flight had a max. limit 0f 24Kg each

& I had to practically pack my entire 20 yrs of existence, into those "Gibralter-esque" bags."

"Ok.. but what abt that ring I gave you.."

"ooo yea.. the one that you got from Hyd? the one that was your finger size. (I know Im fat, but all my fat is not concentrated on my fingers you know!)" 

"well.. umm.. what abt...???"

"okie huney.. time out.. Lets not get into that. Is there something else we need to discuss? I really ahve to ge see whether my agarose gel worked this time"

"yup"

Shoot.. what do you wanna ask?

"Do you love me?"

Deep breaths!

Sometimes, we feel such a huge void in life. Not really a void, something like a black hole that sucks all the happiness, and leaves you all messed up & "dark". The best part about these, is that, you cannot really explain why this is happening. Technically all is well.. right?

There is nothing that cheers you up, no songs, no accolades, no chocolate (if you pronounce this in the weirdest way, it will rhyme, but Im not feeling very poetic!). so well, today (rather, now), is one of those days. You cant explain it, you cant tell why its happening, (no buddy, it is not got to do with "that time of the month".. geez,, the way ppl think!), the only thing you think of is how to get past it...

hmm... okie.. DEEP BREATHS.

Breath 1:
Reminds me of the things that are WRONG...
Grrr... How could I be living like this. All bottled up & nebulous... No this must stop...
Breathe out

Breath 2:
Why.. why is this happening to me... why did I have to suffer a break up with the "nosiest" guy in the world.. & still feel bad about it... why...
Breathe out

Breath 3:
aww... I miss Ma so much..
As a mater of fact I miss all who loved me & were fun..
Breathe out

Breath 4:
Need to curb my spending habits... The Pink pyjamas with bunny faces & silky smooth feel were unnecessary... No.. cant let the weak moment of "impulse spending" hit me again...

Breath 5:
NEED TO LOSE WEIGHT...
Breathe out

Breath 6:
THESIS PROPOSAL...
Breathe out

Breath 7:
draw a blank..I have nothing to think about... gasp! what am I gonna do!!
Breathe out


Breath 8:
hmmm... looks done.. Im hungry! let me go get some coffee from GJ.
(faster deeper breaths)


Hmm.. teh breath list works fairly well... lets just put

"worries" under b numbered list, you know its not overwhelming. Its kinda' like Hugh Prathers "notes to myself".. only its like Talk to myself! . Anywhos, feeling a new lease of energy.. chal gulabo.. aaj teri basanti ki izzat ka sawal hai. Kaam pe lag!